Merry Christmas.

Navel Gazing in advance of 2010

Its the small things that prompt me to re-evaluate my life and where its going at times. Trying to work out who is really in your corner and who merely tolerates you either for what you can do for them or because you make them feel better about themselves in some way although you can't quite work out why. Its the small things which may seem really insignificant to other people but really resonate with me.

I think this year (2010) I'm becoming less moany and more active, vocal even, in my perceived friendship discrepancies or imbalances.

Perhaps its because I've been so moany and whiney the past while that people have shied away somewhat, or perhaps I'm being overly sensitive and like me, they have more pressing matters than thinking about what I'm doing.

Which is strange, because I try to include people in as many things as I can. If I'm shopping and see something for that person I'll generally buy it, I'll see other things and if they trigger the thought of that person I'll tell them or get in touch. Although at times I appear selfish and self centered its because I am socially akward. I never feel as if I know the right thing to say.

I'm incredibly socially awkward. I never feel comfortable really. I always feel as if I never know the right answer to what I'm supposed to say, do or how to respond. I always feel as if I'm intruding and on the edges of any social group. Like I shouldn't be there and people are just waiting til I leave so they can really enjoy themselves, asking me on nights out in the hope I'll say no or alternatively I don't get asked at all.

I think I appear selfish and self-centered because I always feel I manage to steer a conversation around to me and whats going on with me. I don't mean it, it just seems to happen. This in turn leads to me feeling guilty and a bad friend.

But I do genuinely try to treasure and nutrure the firendships that I have. I may not make a good job of it all the time but I do try. I never intentionally hurt anyone and I do try and include them as much as possible in my life so that they don't feel pushed aside or to the peripheries of my life.

I know I always bring food, I'm not saying your foods crap. I just like to see people cared for. Its the same reason I'll clean your house, take out your bins, give lifts, buy presents for your dog/cat/rats/fish and randomly buy wierd shit I see in the shops. I know I talk too much, and too quickly and most of the time utter shite, but thats to try and involve you in my life. I share as much of me as I can.

But, perhaps with 2010, its time to start holding some of me back. Perhaps orbiting in a slightly different sphere will actually enable me to be more of a friend.

I'm trying really hard...

Not to be miserable but I'm really beginning to wonder if this is it.

I think todays just been a bad day and thats not helped.

Meh. Will report back with happier themes shortly. Hopefully.

Heids burstin'

Tomorrow we have a practice 3rd year exam, because folks, monday is the last day of second year!

Its went by so quickly and I dont think I know enough.

In 12 months time I'mm be (hopefully) qualified and in a ward.

Oh crikey!

Anyway tomorrow is our practice 3rd year orals. We present 4 patients in less than a minute. The examiners can then ask us any quaestions about the patient, their condition and thier care.

My patient is this:

76 year old female falls. BP 80/50. On a water tablet (named). Neuro obs checked. No cause for concern.

From this I can be asked;

Why did she fall? Potentially orthostatic hypotension, hypotension due to dehydration because of water tablet being too strong or side effects, or vasovagal syncope.

Why the water tablet? Water tablet belongs to specific set of diuretics precribed when patient is in Chronic heart failure. Not known if she has heart failure as this drug is also used in management of hypertension.

Discuss the drug. Indications. Contra indications, side effects and dosage.

Discuss hypertension. Clinical features, pathophysiology, treatment and nursing management.
Repeat for hypotention, orthostatic hypotension and chronic heart failure.

Discuss the Glasgow Coma Scale and Neurological observations.

And thats just the basic stuff I can think they'll ask us.

In third year repeat for 8 patients.

Derby!

Going well. I think. Ish

Today we were practicing blocking and weaving, including the "wipe yer bum" move

Seems so many things on my life involve wiping arses

2am.

There is a reason why I'm still awake.

I'm now beginning to wonder if the reason is even worth bothering about, or if I'm just being overly paranoid. Or needy.

(edited to remove the whiny moany part that was here. Its really too much. You would bite through your own wrists to stop reading it)

Ca va?

Cava BOF!

Pour quoi?

Bloody knackered, uni sucks just now, stressed re exams and I'm just tired.

I've totally lost my mojo.

Thats one presentation down

And I went shopping after uni.

Spent over £100. On NOTHING.

But I did pass up some beauutiful high strappy heels because even though they were £6, were a size too big. I remained strong.

Me and one of the other girls went to Asda for breakfast after presentation. As I am embracing my new pie lifestyle I also had a scone.

Thats pretty much been my day.

I'm tired and I'm away to ma bed. Expect more stress laden drama next week, I'm like Michael Douglas in falling down.

Okay... NOW i'm stressed

I've always panicked about exams. I always panic that this year is the year they will pull out all the stops and spring a suprise Mastermind type session on me. On a subject I know nothing about. Then I'll get failed, kicked off the course, husband will think I'm a failure, divorce me and I'll end up eating out of bins, smelling of cat pee and keeping all my stuff in an Asda trolley with a wonky wheel.

But panic not. Theres always the resits right? You know fail exam in say October and resit in January - everyone needs a second chance?

WRONG.

UWS have now decided in thier ultimate wisdon to change the way the course works. Now we are a Feb in take, this means that OUR resits will be in May for the exams that we've just sat in November there. Bearing in mind that they pulled the exam schedule FORWARD from Januray giving us a scant 4 weeks notice, WHILST we were on placement.

Whats so bad about that I hear you ask - surely more time to prepare for the resit whilst out on placement?

Ah - therein lies the rub. If you fail, you cannot progress until the resits, which means if I failed my oral exam I sat last week, I will be kicked off course until MAY. No Placement. No lectures and no bursary. Effectively a 6 month stall. During which time you lose all peer and social support creating a huge psychosocial crisis. A financial one as you would have to find work to support the lack of bursary during that time.

However this also has very real ramifications for ME personally. I already did a year of nursing circa 99. The SAAS only funds 4 years of study*. Completing 3 years at Paisley brings me to 4 full years of study. If I fail ANYTHING - anything at ALL - This means that should I have to sit out the required 6 months pre re-sit.... well you do the maths. 1 year circa '99, but 3 years FT at Paisley plus 6 months out.....

So looks like my initial exam fear is indeed a very real one. The stress is mounting here folks, its almost palpable and my engrained fear of failure means I'm back to having disrupted sleep, panicking, panic attacks a go go too. And I dont think the 500ml chug of red bull helped with that either. I can't fail anything. I just CAN'T. I'm not allowed.

*study includes tuition fees payable to the university and not the Student Bursary itself.

I've come to a decision

I'm fed up dieting, losing weight, putting it back on.

The only weight i seem to be able to maintain is a size 14-16 and 13 stone.

I give up. I'm fed up with shakes, pointing, weighing, carbing, counting, synning, slimming. Checking fat content, sugar content, carbs, and calories.

I'm great at dieting, I'm not very good at maintaining.

So for the next wee while, fuck it. I'm tired of the whole thing.

I'm spending another Christmas fat and do you know what, I'm suprisingly feeling okay about that.

Orals went okay

I think.

Talked about care of a patient with a venous leg ulcer, dressing rationale and related aspects/

Second one I talked about Ensuring adequate nutrition for a patient with Alzheimers.

Bloody knackered after them let me tell you.

My skates are here!

OOh the excitement.

I know that I should have protective gear on before I take them out for a spin, so am trying to resist putting those bad boys on and going out back.

Resist Kept Wifey, Resist!

Hoo-aah!

I HAVE A NEW HOBBY (Hopefully)

I started Roller Derby. The pole dancing classes fell by the wayside after the beginners block, and felt it was a bit bitchy at times, so was looking for somethig else to have a go at.

Paul suggested Roller Derby, I saw on you tube and was a bit offended, it was like boxing on skates, but decided to go and have a go anyway.

Well, so far I love it. Great fun.

I have both knees bruised, my arse and legs are killing me, my back hurts and I'm exhausted but it was really really good fun.

Will try and send you guys a link later.

I'm back home

And after a day or so to settle back feeling a bit more relaxed.

Have to get back to a placement to get them to sign off some paperwork that was missed first time around, and have an appointment for that so feeling a bit less stressed re that aspect of things.

I still have to tinker with and refine 2 oral presentations and they've brought the date forward by 2 months. So thats a bit of a pisser

I also put on loads of weight in Campbeltown, A total of an extra 5lbs but by do I feel them. So its also back on the diet train for me.

I've been awake since 4:10am

Having trouble sleeping, very unlike me.

Been awake most of the past few nights actually, wondering where the year has gone, wondering if this is all worth it, wondering about paperwork sign offs, exams, orals, employment, interviews, a bigger house, the dog, my marriage, my weight, my age, my life, Campbeltown, my perceived lack of connection with people, lack of green space, recession, culture, gardens, family, feeling like a tit most of the time, identity, money, more paperwork, more signing off, end of year interviews, grading, assisgnments, dressings, patient interactions and the meaning of life.

My mind is constantly racing and I can't seem to relax. I've tried but the fact that I'm writing this at 5:50 in the morning should be testatment that I'm not finding relaxing that easy. I look like shit, my skins broken out on acne and I have big blue circles under my eyes. Not that I'm breaking any hearts normally mind.

I just wonder now is any of this worth it? And I don't just mean the course, I mean the whole shebang. Just feel removed from anything meaningful at the moment, and I wonder if its worthwhile at all coming back or if I'm just training myself into the routine of my life as it is.

Then I wonder if anyone is really happy with thier lot, or if they too just train themselves into acceptance and call it happiness?

I have a fringe!

I have a fringe!

Thats the most exciting thing to have happened recently.

Also only 5 sleeps til I'm home!

WHOOOOOO!

Oh. My, God

Ladies. Its with a heavy heart that I report to you my recent discovery.

I found a grey eyebrow hair.

It was half white half brown.

What is THAT about?

Not much to report really

Other than a huge crisis of confidence. Up here, working away fine on placement. No real issues to report, everyone is lovely if a bit involved with everyone elses personal life, but such are the pitfall of small town living.

I'm wondering if this is the right thing for me?

Not that I doubt myself but I wonder if its all worth it? Talking to some recently qualified third years and apparently there is no work. 3 years of no money, hard graft and being treated like a second rate citizen at times and theres no work at the end of it. I'm trying not to panic but what if its all been for nothing? What if I can't find work and have to go work in Asda with a nursing degree under my belt, or worse yet, return to the OFFICE? How will you cope with the new quieter, mre refined me? I am a lady. Almost.

I'm fed up with the paperwork. An intrinsic part of nursing right there, but ye gads its scunnering.

Husband has just left after being up to visit for a few days and I now have the rest of the day off, had I known I would have swapped my day off for a back shift. Moan moan.

Campbeltown: Beautiful. Scenery is gorgeous. Admittedly not a lot to do and its quite disconcerting not being as anonymous as you are in Glasgow. Theres no such thing as a "quiet drink" as everyone not only knows everyone else but want to know you too. I am however finding the solitude rather refreshing and the time away has done me good. The staff on the ward are trying to convince me there is a hospital ghost by rining bedside buzzers and then hiding in wardrobes/round the corner to try and make me think its the ghostie.

Also the ward is built on some sort of fertility leyline. 6 of the staff have went off in the past year for maternity leave. Rabbits I tell you. So I'm getting warned left right and centre from the Care Assisstants to invest in a decent TV for the flat. Tried explaining that husband is in Glasgow and I would be in major trouble if I pitched back to Glasgow in a delicate condition.

Still horrendously broody though. The thought of waiting til 30 to have my first child makes me feel a bit... strange. And that 30 is based on finding work to make sure I reap maternity benefits. Or in a years time I might just think "Fuck it" and do it anyway.

Reports of a whale in the Clyde

are unfounded. Its actually the reports about me doing aqua-aerobics in Campbeltown filtering down. I needed something to keep busy at night times, I've even started applying body lotion after my shower I have that much free times.

My weeks itinerary now looks something like this:

Thurs: Walk around Campbeltown - buy spare set of PJ's from charity shop
Fri: Aqua-aerobics at 19:00, start looking out sources for oral talk
Sat: In placement, then maybe a dark washing, query buying some second handtops from charity shop
Sun: No idea - swim and then walk around Campbeltown, read book and knit
Mon: Placement, then aqua-aerobics again
Tues: either a swim or walk
Wed: Aqua-aerobics

I might come back thin and exhausted, and with an accent. I've started picking up the twang.

Ga'an - going
Owt - out
awa' - away

and thats after 2 days - husband is already mocking me. Please don't mock me if I'm still twanging away when I'm back.

"This is a local shop for local people".

I'm in Campbeltown after 4.5 hours on the bus, with kids vomiting into plastic bags behind me and returnees sweating pure Jaegermeister through their pores after a heavy sesh on Glasgow.

Settled into my new digs, without husband and dog to keep me company, instead I have the internet and the TV.

Took a walk around to the shops earlier. They were shut - at 6pm on a Monday. Turns out its a local holiday - for local people.

I'm alright....

Thanks for all the well wishes, the get well soon cards and the flowers.You'll be glad to know I'm not lying behind my front door, my decomposing body being eaten by the dog.

In other news I had my final assessment today and its prompted a bit of the old navel gazing. The assessment went fine by the way, I managed to get a "very good" for all 4 boxes which means I should get an A or at very least a B1 for this placement but during the grading discussion I asked something which prompted a bit of feedback, which in turn led me to a bit of the aforementioned navel gazing.

I asked what I could do to turn my very good into an "Excellent", I felt comfortable asking this because this placement was brilliant. See if there was one placement that reaffirmed my decision to do this course, it was this one, the staff were fantastic - hats off to you Ferguslie Clinic. Basically they didn't tell me what I could do to become excellent - its just something that will come in time, but I wondered if I've been holding myself back because of the disasterous first placement I had?

My recent hospital placement told me that they felt I was somewhat hesitant in putting myself forward for things to do, and relied heavily on direction. I accepted this was true, and at the time attributed it to the fact that I had trouble getting a mentor assigned, so thought that it was because I didn't have that mentor-student bond to support me,and also because I didn't want to be seen as pushy( to the extent where I did something independently of instruction 2 weeks in and nurse thanked me but post panic attack I spent the rest of the placement wondering if they were calling me a pain inthe arse). Now I wonder if I've been holding myself back because of the first placement I had, the placement from hell.

Remember the one where I was amongst other things, pushy, overly enthusiastic, didn't work well with others and asked too many questions?

I think if I'm being honest, since then I've held back. I've been reluctant to "fight the good fight" as it were and very hesitant in volunteering or asking to do things for fear of being pushy or overly-enthusiastic again. I think that initial feedback I received knocked my confidence to such an extent its taken me a good while to get over. At time I have been disappointed in myself and let things go unchallenged that I never would have before, I've accepted judgements made on others and myself that I know to be unfair.

But I'm good. I know I'm good, I know my background knowledge, I study, I read voraciously in order to be good. So really the only thing holding me back is, well, me.

So from now on, I'm going to try and be more than good, I'm going to try and be excellent.

I'm dying, So much I might actually be dead

Woke up this morning

Went to placement, bit of a sore back but otherwise okay. Say to nurse "Christ, my back is killing me". He says "Probably wind, you been for a shit?" (his words not mine). "No not yet"

Well, then all hell broke loose.

I'm currently writing this from bed, as I nurse my wounded arse. Placement sent me home, I'm running hot and cold, I feel nauseated, arse exploded, my hands are sweating so much my knitting is sticking along the needles and my stomach is making so much noise I'm having trouble hearing the TV. I actually had to pull the car over on way home as was V drowsy and thought was going to pass out.

I did initially blame the tummy trouble on the pickled chillies I ate last night but this isnt right. This isn't chillies.

Sorry for posting it here but I'm all alone. Boggin' and miserable. And boiling.

In other news husband passed his driving test. Go husband.

If I don't post in a few days I've probably died from some sort of lurgy. But quietly, 'cause you know I'm not one to complain.

Le sigh

Going to Campbeltown
Renting a flat
Having to get the bus
Monday 21/09/2009 is going to be a nightmare.

Hopefully the placement will go well.

This is my last week in Ferguslie and I've really liked it.

So yeah. Le sigh because I'm multicultural.

I'm beginning to get right pissed off now

With Campbeltown placement.

See if the uni can't get their arse in gear tomorrow, I'm not going.

In other news I nearly killed a child today with the car - he ran out from between 2 parked cars, I only slammed my brakes on because I saw his bigger sister running towards the road screaming, I thought I was going to hit HER. I swear I missed hitting him by less than 30cm.

The worst bit was his dad was like "Eh Whit?". I was in bits. Dads glaring at me, like its my fault.

See if there was ever a time I needed a drink ,was after that particular incident.

Oh and its family fun a-go-go at the moment too, ask me more next time you see me.

Etch-a-Sketch Thursday. Please?

Wish I could just erase today and start again.

Placement went okay - quite an emotional day though.

The my back wiper on the car isn't working.
Take it to garage.
Mention the car going a bit scatty when its popping into 5th gear.
They then tell me the bad news.
I needs a new clutch. £160 for labour, £120 for the part.

When ordering the new clutch they then get told from parts place that I might have a double mass flywheel, which costs £280 to replace. The garage themselves query this, as for a car the age of mines to have this particular part is unusual.

So total of £580 for a repair then, but they will tighten my handbrake and fix the rear windscreen wiper for free then.

I almost cried, for the second time today.

Cue trip to Lidls for big bar of chocolate and some iced coffee. Boo hoo.

Oh - have also picked a subject for my second oral exam, care of a patient with venous leg ulcers explaining dressing and wound care. Its all gravy baby.

Well *that* was depressing

You know that song "You are my sunshine"? Its possibly one of the most depressing songs I've heard when sung by an adult to an acoustic background. Heard it in the car this morning and had to resist the temptation to ram the car into the motorway sidings. Seriously horrible song about love, loss and broken hearts in 4 easy verses.

In other news, placement is ticking along nicely. I got to dress bilateral venous legs ulcers today, and administer 2 types of injections. I also got to prime a McKinley pump, used a lot in palliative care for administration of subcutaneous medications like morphine. I got to stick a needle in a nurse to practice, its like a fish hook. I felt bad but also secretly rather excited.

What else - been having discussions via the interwebs about Female Genital Mutilation, Male Genital Mutilation, feminism and equalism. I've often wondered if I am a feminist or an equalist, and if I am a feminist how far into the feminist spectrum do I fall?

Am I close to the "all men are rapists" spectrum or closer to the "Treat me with respect and men are alright spectrum"?

I suspect I am not much of a feminist at all given my reaction to some of the postings by other women who profess to be feminists. Sitting at home all day, not working, refusing to do any housework because its subjugation of women and enforcement of gender roles? No, its just fucking laziness. Sorry.

This is where I am an unhappy camper. Personally, if both parties in a household are working then both parties should also equally contribute to the housework. If I am out of work and at home all day, and my partner is out working all day, is it really fair of me to expect him to come home and do the housework in its entirety? Similarly if the situation was reversed, and I'm out earning all the money, and husband was sitting at home watching Loose Women, I'd expect to come home and have dinner prepared and the house clean. I don't think that's unreasonable.

Now I get stay at home parents have a lot of work to do with children, but there's a difference between genuinely being too rushed to get any time to attend to housework, and as it should be the kids should come first after all, but refusal to do it based on the grounds that its reinforcing gender stereotypes? Thats just flat out asking to get labelled as lazy.

I also understand that my like of crafty shit like baking, cooking, knitting etc lets the side down, after all do I like these things because I find them fun to do or because I've been socially conditioned that these are feminine tasks. I get it too, that I am a disappointment, that if husband earned enough money I would quite happily stay at home to raise kids whilst perhaps working part time. I would be happy with that lot, but this apparently also lets the side down. I thought that the basic driving force behind feminism was giving women equal rights and then the associated right to choose what they do with their life?

Thoughts please.

Going to Campbeltown after all

Long story cut short - I'll be in Campbeltown for 5 weeks. Brickin' it.

Update

Caffeine addiction has progressed to numerous cups of coffee, iced coffee from Lidls and red bull. Also from Lidls.

I'm a caffiend. See what i did there? Caf-fiend? Oh never mind.

Placement still going okay - to those of you who smoke, stop. Quite aside from my oral presentation the amount of people that are receiving palliative care as a result of smoking, and thus developed chronic lung disease is disturbing. I know, I know, we all have to die of something but this is some nasty painful distressing shit people.

Lecture over its now time for an oral update.

Went alright I think. They only asked me one question which means I've either done well or really shit. Although they didn't turn the tape off like they did with a friend of mine, which I take as a good sign. I did forget my section on communication, and also the section on ensuring patients have a good inhaler technique, but that aside I think it went okay.

Right. I'm away to Ferguslie!

Oh, I've also told the uni I won't be going to Campbeltown, its just too much trying to get 5 x 5day blocks of B&B accommodation sorted and getting it to coincide with flights and ferries.

Caffeine Bomb!

Caffeine Bomb, whilst also the name of a Wildhearts song, is also my new name. I have developed a hefty caffeine addiction. Drinking Red Bull by the litre. Not jittery just very enthusiastic. About everything. No really.

Placement in Ferguslie is going well so far. I've been doing dressings, and injections. The staff are all lovely. I love it so far, admittedly its only been 3 days but if they can all be like this it would be wonderful.

Oral exam is tomorrow. I've chosen care of a COPD patient on oxygen therapy, whilst explaining the rationale behind the care, I've compared and contrasted two patients receiving different levels of treatment.

I'm bricking it. Now this may come as a shock to some of you, but I'm not very good at talking. I can talk aye, but this has to be at a coherent and normal pace for 15 minutes, not stammering and no swearing. I have discovered during my last oral I'm quite nervous now speaking in public. I was like a monkey on crack in January as some of you receiving text messages may attest. The good news is I am free tomorrow afternoon post oral presentation.

Luncheon?

Perhaps I spoke too soon ?

How do you know when something run its course? How far do you scrape the bottom of that particular barrel in the hope that you find something, anything?

How do you separate the things said that hurt you from the things that are said in an attempt to salvage?

How can you make yourself care? When all you feel is that you are emotionally exhausted from putting on that face, that face you put on to other people you pretend everything fine?

I really can't give anymore. I don't think I have anything left. I'm like a dry brittle husk of a woman and if you hit me one last time, that little bit harder, I will shatter.

feeling a bit better

I've heard it said that the unexamined life is not much worth living, I've examined and changes are afoot. Now I'm back to being full of rage. Convinced I can change the world, speak 30 languages and master kung fu. By next week.

"And I won't sit down
and I won't shut up
But most of all I will not grow up"

Oh Frank Turner, I think I love you. Come 15th October me and you, face to face. Aye.

In fairness hes playing Glasgow QMU, I'm not stalking him or anythin creepy like that. Seriously for those of you who haven't checked him out already, go and fire up you tube.

I heartily recommend:
"Once we were anarchists"
"Love Ire and Song"
"Photosynthesis"
"Reasons not to be an idiot"

Good lad.

So aye, I'm mostly back but I'm working on changing a few things in my life. This might go badly for some parties concerned, I only have one shot at life though and I refuse to spend it struggling with the shitness of the petty stuff that stops me looking at the big stuff. In a nutshell I'm going for a dose of hedonism and selfishness. I'm saying no a lot more and I'm not listening to people who try to mould me to something I'm not. You don't like it, fuck right off then and tell it to someone who gives a shit.

Because I'm young enough to be all pissed off
But I'm old enough to be jaded
I'm at the age where I want things to change
But with age my hopes have faded
I'm young and bored of being young and bored
If I was old I could say I've seen it all before
In short; I'm tired of giving a shit

I wish I had a time machine

I would change so many things. Most of all I would change myself.

Sometimes I feel so invisible I get lonely.
Other times I wish I could disappear completely.

I feel my entire life is a lie based on how I think people want or expect me to react, I feel I don't know who I am anymore. I don't know where I'm going or even if theres any real point to it. To any of it.

Midlife crisis or just general crapness? Who knows. I am but one person lost in my own misery, amongst the misery of everyone else.

Its official. I'm just crap

I think I'm being stalked by a black dog.

Some of you will get this. Some not and will think I'm being mental.

Wake up
Go to placement
Home to sleep
Wake up, have dinner
Watch TV
Back to sleep.

Is pretty much the pattern. Looking forward to placement finishing the end of this week so I can sleep some more.

Oh aye and in a road rage incident today managed to flip the finger to a car that was right up my jacksey. Arrive at hospital to find out the car belongs to the ward sister.

So tired most of the time. Sleepy McSleepson here.

So tired most of the time. Sleepy McSleepson here.

I used to believe that I could change the world. I used to believe that one person at a time I could make a difference, that life was a process of trying to enable people to find their inner good, embrace it and change.

Now I'm not so sure. Now I think life is a barely manageable series of disappointments and defeats in the words of Frank Turner, and you can only do your best.

I am an idealogical coward and simply too tired to fight the good fight anymore. Gone are my revolutionary days of protest, demonstrations, petitions and letter writing, of challenging the perceived wrongs and indifferences that motivated me to fight.

These days I embrace apathy and the greyness of it all.

Monochrome delirium. Keep your rainbows and your sunshine, the world is really just varying shades of grey.

Oh plus I'm losing hair by the metric fuckload. Distinct temple balding, actually fucking balding and frontal thinning. I suck.

Oooft. Where did THAT come from?

All over the place this past few weeks. Think I'm stressed, in fact I know I'm stressed. Mostly though I am majorly broody. Its horrible. I've never been broody like this. Well occasionally I have its like a cursory fleeting thing, lasting like a day or so, but this has been going on for weeks. WEEKS!

I keep looking at other peoples babies and thinking "Mine would be nicer. And better behaved" shortly followed by "If I fell pregnant just now I could have a wee Feb/March baby. That would fit in alright with uni" then followed by feelings of raging bitterness at people who have babies/are pregnant who I have given a cursory glance over and decided as undeserving. I mean whats that about? How do I know who is deserving and who's not? I also find quite a lot of other peoples babies ugly. Sorry but there's a lot of no-braw weans out there. I'm a raging walking bag of hormones.

In other more mundane news, washing machine is broken. Woke up this morning to find it BOILING my uniforms. Steam gushing out of the drawer where the soap powder goes, and when I tried to open the drawer I got a steam burn and the front fell off. Its was so hot its deformed all the plastic bits of the machine and the wee Ariel ball has boiled that much its shrunk. It was that hot. Phone call on Indesit on Monday and if the parts can't be fixed then its looking like a new machine.

Husband is facing redundancy, and currently job hunting in earnest so could really do without shelling out £300 for a new machine. Hes thinking about a haircut. I don't know how I feel about this although it might make sexytime less annoying (long sory for another time)

Exposed to live swine flu this week (I think) due to a breakdown in communication. Might have to abandon placement due to lack of a mentor due to shift changes on thier end. Pain in the arse. Seriously. Means I have to carry forward 187.5 hours of placement time which I'll have to complete in November.

I'm going to kill Husband if he doesn't stop banging THOSE FUCKING DRUMS.

Today I am cooking roast chicken. Inabag. With roast potatoes. After eating a whole bag of cookies and a packet of Gu mousses.

Like I say raging bag of hormones. Need to get back on the diet tomorrow and get into a size 12 once and for all. Then I stop, might need to go on the husbands redundancy diet which is basically scruvy tempting beans on toast for months...

NYYYYYEEEOOOOOWWWW!

Was the noise I made today. A lot.

I passed my driving test, The roads are no longer safe.

Queue up your jokes here people.

Great story behind this, but don't want to put it in in case they revoke my liscence.

"I'm glad to tell you you've passed"
"SHUT. UP. Really?"
"Yes"
"WHOOOOOO!"
"Hand over your provisional and paper counterpart and I'll send them away for you"
"Okay... wait a minute is this a trick?"
"No"
"Okay"

Not much to report

Going to Swine Flu Central for placement, and this really rips my knitting. Uni are happy to send us out to placement as its a "small risk of a mild illness", but don't want us near the uni for a week afterwards? If its so small a mild risk why are they essentially quarantining us?

Anyway - that argument discarded, not much to report really. Trying to plough through the essay. Weight still coming down.
Might have news later on, might not.

Update: Sainsburys cottage cheese is rank. I feel cheated and lied to.

Exam results

Passed!

Now one isn't a great pass, but I have to be grateful that its a pass at all at this point, as upon reflection I don't think I answered the questions correctly.

I don't care so far its a pass. Next is the essay and driving test.

DSA 1 - Me Nil

I failed my driving test. I think that I was justified though.

Apparently I clipped my wing mirror on a sign - didn't hear it, feel it or anything, but fair enough, its a my word against theirs scenario. So meh. This was 2 majors here.

Second fault - Coming down a road. 3 cars in front of me (not indicated by the way) pull out into oncoming lane and over take another leaner driver stopped in middle of the road, so I slow down, learner not moving. I stopped and then checked no more oncoming traffic, pulled out into oncoming lane and continued on my merry way. Apparently the stopping was the fault (viewed as a failure to plan ahead) - the 3 cars that went before me should have been a step for a hint. Fair enough but I explained that whilst they may have felt it was safe to do so, I wasn't sure it was so liked to check first. I think it was the stopping first though. Either way can't argue with them can I?

Fuckin' Nazis man.

Retest is booked.

Not much to update really. . .

Driving test soon.... Eyeing up a wee Ford Fiesta. Looks promising. Have to wait until pass though.

Weight still coming down, last week was a stall but since then have dropped 2.6lbs since Saturday, so looks like I was due a "whoosh". So now only 16lbs til goal weight!

Managed like a complete turnip, to go into uni on my day off. Ended up then going to mums to help with garden. Result - banging sore head, tried and sunburnt. Turns out even in Scotland I need factor 50 suncream to stop me frying to a crisp.

Popped along to friends in West End who decared she's not seen me this thin for years. :D

What else - thats about it really.

Speak to me Frank Turner!

"Well a teacher of mine once told me
That life was just a list of disappoints and defeats
And you could only do your best,
And I said "That's a fucking cop-out, you're just washed up and your tired, and when I get to your age I won't be such a coward"
But these day I sit at home, known to shout at my TV
And Punk Rock didn't live up to what I hoped that it could be
And all the things that I believed with all my heart when I was young
Are just coasters for beers and clean surfaces for drugs
And I packed all my panflets with my bibles at the back of the shelf

Well it was bad enough the feeling, and the first time it hit
When you realised your parents had let the world all go to shit
And that the values and ideals for which many had fought and died
Had been killed off in the committees and left to die by the wayside
But it was worse when we turned to the kids on the left
And got let down again by some poor excuse for protest
Yeah by idiot fucking hippies in 50 different factions
Who are locked inside some kind of 60's battle re-enactment
And I hung-up my banner in disgust and I head for the door

Oh but once we were young, and we were crass enough to care
But I guess you live and learn, we won't make that mistake again, no
Oh but surely just for one day, we could fight and we could win
And if only for a little while, we could insist on the impossible

Well we've been a good few hours drinking
So I'm going to say what everyone's thinking
If we're stuck on this ship and it's sinking
Then we might as well have a parade
Cos if it's still going to hurt in the morning
And a better plan's set to get forming
Then where's the harm spending an evening
In manning the old barricades, so come on old friends to the streets
Let's be 1905 but not 1917, let's be heroes, let's be martyrs, let's be radical thinkers
Who never have to test drive the least of their dreams
Let's divide up the world into the damned and safe
And then ride to the valleys like the old life brigade
And straighten our backs and we won't be afraid
And they'll celebrate our deaths with a national parade

So come on let's be young, let's be crass enough to care
Let's refuse to live and learn, let's make all our mistakes again yes
And then darling, just for one day, we can fight and we can win
And if only for a little while, we could insist on the impossible
Leave the mourning the to the morning
Yeah pain can be killed
With aspirin tablets and vitamin pills
But memories of hope, and glorious defeat
Are a little bit harder to beat"

Nothing doing

Its all boring here folks, looking at 4 weeks in uni with an essay to hand in in 7 weeks.

Then out on placement again for 5, know where I am going well in advance this time which is nice.

Nothing really to report. I bought an epilator and painted my fingernails red. Thats honestly as exciting as its been.

weight stuck at 11stone 11lbs. I think water retention/PMT and all that jazz is playing about a bit. Never mind will sort itself out in time.

I am an idiot

getting dressed this morning, thought this deoderants a bit shit

Turns out I'm spraying my oakies with Febreeze

Just had to share

Been back to this losing weight malarkey

As of this morning I am now....

11st 13lbs

Bearing in mind I started many moons ago at 15st 6, I feel this is an acheivement.

I now have a BMI of bang on 27.

I am rather pleased with myself.

Hi!

Remember me?

Well, my exam proper is on Wednesday 20th, so after that I am free. Well mostly, of which I will explain more later.

Hoping to get around to catching up with everyone soon.

Will update mroe later.

Much Love.

I am not having a good time

Personal shit, and I mean utter shit, a go go.

Just had a wee mini binge. I don't really care about anything anymore. In the space of 2 days my life has went to utter garbage.

1/2 packet of mint poppets
2 slices of cinnamon and raisin Soreen
1/2 slice of Greggs bread with Flora
1/2 packet jelly beans
1 piece of pork with teaspoon mustard
packet of crisps.
A fruit and nut mini toblerone
and a packet of salt and vinegar hula hoops.

Ah well. Tomorrow is another day I suppose. Draw a line under it and move on. All the platitudes I offer to everyone else I now offer to myself.

Families

My wee sis is a twat. To put it mildly.

Long story short.

Mum takes out £15 a month contract for wee sis, due to wee sis' poor credit.
Wee sis owed £89 for the first month.
Mum received £30, wee sis still owes £60.
Mum receives second bill.
Bill is for £400.
Mum upset.
Wee sis not answering phone.

Guess what I'm sorting out this week?

In other news away to placement - on a Sunday - sucks to be me.

Pole dancing...

...hurts.

Turns out I have little to no upper body strength and boy am I paying for it today. However, lady said I was very good, and I felt good. Got 2 of the moves 1st time, 1 of the moves 3rd time and one still needs a lot of work. You stand in front of the pole, place both arms above your head, pull yourself up the pole, bringing your knees to your chest and then spread your legs open in a V shape, all whilst raised up on the pole. Very hard.

I'm not as good as some people in the class, but also not as bad either. I am middle. And do you know what? Thats good enough for me at the moment.

Today, my thighs are killing me, my calf hurts from the spins, and my triceps are really sore and stiff. Almost died (slight exaggeration) whilst slicing malt loaf for husband.

In other news, appear to have made a nurses shitlist on placement. It doesn't matter what I do, somehow I'm getting it in the neck. Was on the totally opposite side of the room yesterday and whatever was going on was still somehow my fault. Don't give a flying fuck either and basically told her as much. Only got 2 weeks to go, and I don't need to pass this placement either. Fuck it. Lifes too short to sweat the small stuff.

Husband knows.

Husband knows about the fitness class, so I can make it a bit more public

As of this Thursday - I am enrolled in Pole dancing classes, beginner level. Uniform is shorts tee shirt and high heels.

This will either go really well, or tremendously badly. Wish me luck.

Placement - going well. Learning more now, and retaining more now I think I'm a bit more settled into it.

Exam revision - not so well, need to really get my head into gear and get organised. Think I know where I am going with it now.

A present from me to me

Just enrolled in a wee fitness class starting next Thursday,

snicker.

Not telling husband so its a secret.

Emotionally drained.

Have a patient in, who reminds me of husband. Same age, similar build, similar features.

There was an event (which I can't really go into in detail due to potential identification) and he went blue. I don't mean ashen, he had to have an emergency intubation and he was so blue he looked like a smurf.

I have never felt so utterly useless or guilty for my inability.

Intensive Care - I needed intensive care. Finished my shift and went to shops to decompress a bit before I went home. I might actually go for a run later I still need to work through whatevers eating at me. Just keep getting flashes of his blue face, struggling and the acute feeling of inadequacy that I felt.

Usually when I get emotionally involved with placements, its that I hate it, or I'm angry, full of the need to change what I see as flaws in the practice or the system. Sometimes people and thier behaviour make me despondent.

This though was so ... frantic. I can't explain it really unless I tell the whole story and even then its hard to verbalise.

Its one of the few occasions where I've been really keen to come home and crack open a bottle of wine, drink to a stupor, sleep and dull the memory of the whole thing.

Intensive Care update

Oh god.

Day 1 - arrived , was told to wear scrubs. Donned scrubs. Bit overwhelmed, very technical, alarms, dials, ventilator volumes, jargon.

Day 2 - Met mentor. He's lovely. Explains most things and I try to keep in as much as possible.

Today - Day 3 - Totally overwhelmed. New person to work with who asked me many questions that I didn't know the answer to. Totally mortified. Still don't know what half of the ventilator settings are, but apparently as a 2nd year not expected to know the setting meaning just the possible problems of mechanically assisted ventilation. Can't find anything online really. Got some but still feel a bit lost. Can't find way around the store cupboard, the names on the packets are completely different to what staff are asking me for.

Reprimanded for wearing scrubs. Am supposed to be in uniform. Explain was told to wear scrubs. That over... ach do you know what? Moan. I'm tired, I feel completely out my depth and a bit overwhelmed. I know that if you do you're supposed to say that its a bit much, so I do then I just feel like a total tool.

Ah well, it can only get better. Aye?

Driving update:

Went really well, unassisted driving for 2 weeks in a row now.

Next week: Test route
Week after: Mock test
Week after: REAL DRIVING TEST.

Arse making buttons here.

Okay then

Will keep blog going. Just comment every once in a while so I know its still in readership.

Diet not going well, am still complete pie. Have lost 4lbs, which sucks. Given my relatively HYUGE size would have thought would lose more than 4lbs in a fortnight. Screw this, I'm going back to Cambridge.

I feel today in town outside Watt Brothers. Legs akimbo, bags flying everywhere, jeans soaked and mucky. Had to be helped up by a pensioner, oh the SHAME. I'm alright though. Skint knee I think but nothing more major than that.

In a moment to madness bought myself that Durex Play "O". Its a gel designed to make you have a "happy ending" if you get my drift. Instructions are to "take a pea sized amount and apply to your 'intimate' areas". Result? Makes your swimsuit area feel like its on fire. Not recommended.

Signed up for the Race for Life. I'm going to run it this year. No walking and want to complete it in 30 minutes or less. Have to start training this week, but feeling cautiously optimistic.

Thats pretty much it really. Oh No fortune teller. You ready? Key points as below.

• Will qualify as nurse, working in theatre or gynaecology
• Will have torrid affair
• Will have trial seperation from husband, during which I will have yet another torrid affair
• Will have children, although not necessarily with husband
• May regret leaving husband if I don't go back, as will never love another man the way I love him
• Will leave husband to re-establish and save self identity. Re-establish person
• If staying with husband it will be because I change expectations of life and die a little inside.
  

There you go!

Probably the (2nd) last post on this blog

I feel nobody really reads or comments on it.

This is not a toys out of the pram moment, just that I have to reprioritise my time, and of this is one area that nobody is really bothering about, it can probably go.

If you want it to stay then fair enought, but let me know. I don't mind updating it if its being read, but not if I'm just wottering to cyberspace moaning. I have my other blog for that.

Oh which reminds me, will post later about Paisley fortune teller. Spooky shit. VERY accurate.

Ignore the below post

Turns out I'm just a raging hormonal moo.

In other news. The placements are in. First placement?

I'm going for a 5 week stint in INTENSIVE CARE!

Quite excited actually.

I fail at life

Like, no really I do.

1. I can't seem to shift this weight because I can't stick to a diet for more than 4 days
2. I'm always hungry
3. Me and husband just seem to spark off each other the wrong way
4. I am a pariah. "Friends" who arrange to meet me and then continually canel. Fuck you then.
5. I'm at the stage of thinking "Fuck it, I'll just stay this size and avoid full length mirrors from now on"
6. I think my face is saggy

So. I'm fat, ugly and an all round general failure. Oh yeah, I'm such a catch.

Tonight Matthew, I'm going to be...

A dinner lady!

Thats what my Temp Agency dispatched me to. I thought I was waitressing, I was actually a dinner lady.

Do you know what? It was fucking brilliant.

FOXY Bingo

You get a £20 free sign up bonus - this means no money deposited. So if you fancy a wee game of bingo online have a look at this. My balance is now sitting at £63 in credit. I did play in another £20, but this still means that I am currently £43 up. Whoo!

I am so tired at the moment. Away to doctors for blood tests tomorrow based on my stabbing abdominal pain for no apparent reason. That and I'm shattered most of the time. I know that uni is hard going but Jesus, I could sleep for 10-12 hours easily if left alone. Every day.

So would you like to play blood test lottery? Doc has mention the following tests, ESR (Erithrocyte Sedimentation Rate, an inflammation marker), Thyroid, LFT (Liver Function Test) Glucose test, FBC (Full Blood Count anemia testing really), urinalysis, for glucose, ketones, protein, blood and HCG (Pregnancy test). So will results show:

Anaemia (Iron deficiency)
Pregnancy (already checked its a no)
Hypothyroid (underactive thyroid)
Urinary Tract Infection
Raised Glucose so possible diabetes
Inflammation
NOTHING?
SOMETHING ELSE?

In other uni news, the coursework is really ramping up. Have to now sit and organise my notrs for Scotland big killers, Cardiovascular disease, Cerebrovascular disease, diabetes, Stroke, liver disease and respiratory disease into:

Definition
Clinical features
Pathophysiology
Medical Management
Nursing Care
Lifestyle management etc

For them all and remember them under exam conditions. The exam which is in the middle of placement. No pressure then.

Decleration of intent.

For the rest of March, this is my new household mantra.

FUCK YOU. I'M ON STRIKE.

This applies to everything. Cooking, cleaning, phoning his relatives, sex. The whole fucking shebang.

Screw it. I've had it.

Holy shit, I'm tired

Uni going alright - loads of studying, homework and presentations. Utterly knacked. Seriously.

Driving going alright - test date moved back a bit because I have regressed, for some strange reason.

Weight - not going well. Lost 3lbs, put it all back on again. Keep getting a really sore stomach pretty much all the time when eating most foods. Toast, cereal and cake do not seem to annoy it. Everything else seems to.

House is an utter riot and needs redecorated, so guess what I'm doing next good stretch off uni?

Life sucks guys. Seriously. Feel like I am on a carosel of boring boring stuff

Things make me uncomfortable.

I was thinking about things that make me uncomfortable.

The word "Lover": This makes me feel slightly "ick". I always feel a wee bit dirty saying it, and not in a good fun way. Its like Reilly and her "Panties"

Waiting for the dog to poo: Its bad enough that I have to watch/wait for goodness sake, but I get very paranoid that people are watching from thier windows watching me watching the dog poo. So I stand there nappy sack in hand waiting for her to finish, trying really hard not to make eye contact. Then she does make eye contact and its all very akward for all concerned. And you don't want to look too eager to be picking up poo.

Talking on the phone: I really don't like talking on the phone. I feel very inept. I tend to sit here going "Yeah....*silence*... Erm aye so....*silence*.... where was I? Oh aye, erm, yeah..."

Sex: Not sex itself, but thinking about sex. You know, do I look like I'm thinking about it? Do I look like a big sex pest on the bus? And thinking about sex is horrible, I mean do you ever think about the dynamics of it? Like if you had an instant replay cam and saw what you looked like as you were doing it, would you ever have sex again?

Childbirth and breastfeeding: Now I'm all for breastfeeding, very good for mum and baby and that but where do you look? I mean looking away makes you look like you are embarrassed right? Staring at the boob, makes you look like you're a big pervert. Staring at mums face might indicate you are embarrassed. So then you spend the next 20 minutes with your eyes flickering wildly around the room like some sort of crazed caged animal. Childbirth, where does it all fit?

Stuff thats happened (Graphic image)

In the past wee while, and Iwould have toldmore of you face to face, but you know, time and all that.

When I get up in the morning, I have a pretty sad set routine. I get up,micturate (pee) and shower. Then I deal with the rest of the days concerns, I get dressed, walk the dog, go out, that sort of thing. A few weeks back Husband took a nosebleed whilst asleep. I'm in the bathroom, (nekkid) and having peed already picking up the empty loo roll tube thats fallen down the back of the loo.

Husband staggers to bathroom door, glazed look across his face, blood smeared all across his face and all up his arms. Unfocused he eventually looks at me and lets out a "Gnurgggh" noise. Like this

Now admittedly I was just awake so not really firing on all cylinders (am I ever? I hear you ask) and my first thought was not "Aww poor mans obviously had a nosebleed". My thought process went like this:

"ZOMBIE!"
"Shit. I don't have a weapon"
"How embarrassing being killed when naked"
"What do I have in the intervening 3 feet between him and me?"
"FUCK"

I find this slightly worrying that my initial reaction to a blood smeared person is "KILL IT! KILL IT!"

Updates:

Boring bits out of the way first. Today I bought, packet of smoked salmon, 2 packs king prawns, 2 HUGE Finest Christmas puddings, 2 packets of Chicken kievs, a big bit of roasting beef, packet of pork and apple sausages, packets of Lorne sausages, 2 packets of back bacon, 2 double pepperoni pizzas, packet of fresh beef meatballs and a bag of chips. for £12. Go the cheap shopping.

Also Husband is not being made redundant! This is good news! Not as much of a pay increase as we had hoped, but the job is there which is something.

I also got my exam results back. I got 3 A's. This has led to some serious soul searching over the past couple of days. I have come to the conclusion I am a miserable cow. Seriously. My oral Exam marks, out of a potential 100, I got 100. 100/100. I could not have scored any higher so why am I disappointed in some way? I don't know what I was expecting, I mean I've always pushed myself to acheive as best I can, so why when I acheive the top mark am I not overjoyed?

My placements grading was an "A" too.

Instead of going online and getting my grades and thinking "Fuck Yeah! 3 A's!!" and I could think was "Oh. Right. " My cooments sheets were good in that they detailed I had "excellent theoretical and practically applied knowledge underpinning the course", it is "evident that I take responsibility my own learning". Uni is pleased with me.

So why am I not?

Woo hoo!

Today I signed up for my first mystery shopper assignment!

Can't tell you when or where, but I'm hoping he next one is food based, just narrowly missed one at a well known pizza chain. bummer

God I'm tired

Shattered, feel like all I've done is run about today like a headless chicken.

Diet needs to start tomorrow (or thereabouts) as I'm getting huge. One of the highlights of toady was getting home and pouring myself into my jammie trousers.

Working at Hutchesons Grammar on Friday and maybe Mar Hall afterwards.

Winning £1000. Hopefully.

p.s theres voucher codes here if you want them. If not then fair enough.

Things not to hear on a Friday night

Just home from a long waitressing shift. Husband picks me up at tube station with Mutt-face.

Husband "So ...how's things?"
Me "Mmm. Okay I suppose"
"What kind of day have you had?"
"Alright, just tired. Why?"
"Well..."
"What is it? Just tell me"
"I might be getting made redundant"
"How certain is might?"
"Probably"
"Oh"

So thats the weekend fucked then.

Stuff I dislike

Cough syrup - expensive, tastes like death in a spoon and doesn't work.
M&S - Sell me out of date food (at full price to add to the insult) - and then tell me its my fault for not checking. Head office have been contacted.
Cold - The cold. It sucks
Uni - Why so much paperwork? What is the point?
Lack of money - I'm fed up with it.

There shall be doubtless, more to be added to this list, but at the moment these are my top 5.

I'm dying!

I have the plague. Bird Flu. Man Flu even. Actually I just have your common cold but a very HEAVY dose of it. To the extent people who have seen me for the first time in a few weeks today at uni , open with the tremendously reassuring "You look like shit!".

Even tutors comment on "You really don't look well, go home". To which I reply "I can't first day of second year. I've only got a couple of hours to go and then home"

In other news I have rediscovered my love of the microwave. Made a quick dinner tonight of chicken fillets, potatoes and sweetcorn, followed by a golden syrup sponge pudding that I did in the microwave. I felt in need of comfort food given my lurgy.

It was tasty. We ate it all. Husband would like more but I felt one was sufficient

CHEAP food month

If any of you are interested I'm having a personal challenge to see how cheap I can eat for a month, feeding me and husband, but varied. Its cheating if I have beans on toast every night. So the challenge begins. I've set it up here for you to follow if you want to. I thought it would clutter up the main blog too much if it went on here.

Regards

T'kept Wummin'

I *might* have a new job

working from home. Flexible hours. The ability to be a filthy midden and type with a good degree of spelling.

I'm in. Ask me more about it in person later.

Nudge nudge. Wink wink. Say no more....

Stop! Exam time

This week has went to shit. Literally. I spent most of last night and early hours of this morning ill. Not vomiting which I'm hopeful means its not a virus. So phoned it to placement today to say I would not be in initially to see if it stops, and I'd rather not go out on house visits and expose 2-3 weeks old babies to potential virus. I have to now make up half a day as I in out at lunchtime.

Exams is tomorrow. I would say I'm shitting it by this point but feel it would be in poor taste. Practicing them on hubby.

This weeks frugal exercise, I am embracing my Polska roots and Husbands Irish ones and we are eating potatoes. Lots of potatoes. Well I say lots, pasta and rice are getting stupidly expensive whereas potatoes are mucho cheap. Last night was mackerel and potatoes, sausage and potatoes.

I also made microwave cake last night, as electricity bill is stupidly high. Again, and although waterwise its better to use the dishwasher, I'm trying to see if not using it for a bit will save on the leccy. Also not using the tumble dryer, which as my mother informs me costs 25p a minute.

Other than the minute of everyday life I really have nothing to report.

Miss me?

Well guys its been a busy last few weeks.

Studying, placements, paperwork and exams ahoy!

Not really had time to do much except just plug away at the mountain of work to be getting on with.

Knackered
Skint
Busy
Panicking

Thats pretty much teh theme in here over the past few days.

Its my birthday next week, and I have no idea what I'm going to be doing for it.

I am a household drudge

Taken for granted, worked like a donkey in that stupid donkey advert that makes me cry and I'm sick of it.

I'm rapidly approaching "don't care status"

The house can go to shit, the dog can walk herself and he can starve because I'm sick of cooking two separate dinners all the time.

Fuck it. New Year, New Me. The old "tries to make everyone happy" me is gone. Screw it. Screw you 2009. Screw You.

100th Post! And some resolutions

1. I will try and knit a project a month.
2. I will finish mums Christmas presents
3. I will declutter my bedroom. There's no way I'm going to get into a size 12, not this year anyway.
4. I will try and be more organised for uni stuff.
5. I will pass my driving test this year.

Hospital myths dispelled

Whilst I'm on a rant. Here are some things that I've learned about hospitals.

1. We don't care if you have a housecoat. Hospitals are roasting and if you can wear a housecoat on top of jammies, there's something wrong with you.
2. We do NOT check the state of your pants. We don't care.
3. We don't have time for endless cups of tea, so if there's nobody about, they're working.
4. If handing in a gift/thank you, fizzy juice is much more appreciated than chocolates. Nurses are a thirsty lot.
5. We don't judge you on the state of your nightwear.
6. Mobile phones being used are a real irritant

Any more just ask.

Mind I said this year was going to suck....?

First of all, HAPPY NEW YEAR! Now that's the pleasantries aside let me begin with the distaster that is 2009.

31/12/2008 - Get phone call to say wee sis has been admitted to hospital via A&E, where she is sent for a CT scan and a lumbar puncture, I'm thinking meningitis, but not panicking. Mum is in a state, roarin' and greetin', about her "wean" and various other forms of "waily waily". Get up to A&E, wee sis has been admitted to ward, in a single room. Now in hospital terms you usually get a single room if you are contagious, immunosuppressed or theres a real bed shortage. I say none of this to mum, as she's already stratospheric with worry. The frantic type of worry that sends her to Primark for a new housecoat and jammies, leaving her bursting out crying in the queue like a nutter. I try to look on the bright side that if it was that bad hospital would have phoned. Mum then starts telling me that wee sis "brain is leaking fluid", "hmmmm" says I, unconvinced, given mum gets things mixed up and wee sis is a hypochondriac drama queen.

Wee sis discharged the same day(!), taps me for money (which is another story) and fucks off home. Mums still all worried.

01/01/2009 - uneventful. Discover mum has left her mobile phone in my house.

02/01/2009 - Trail my ass up to Hamilton to give her mobile, having to sit next to a wee man who smelt like vomit. Mum wants to go to shops. I was not aware this was part of the plan, I have to get organised for placement return on Monday. Mum assures me is not planned. Mum phones wee bro for a lift from shops, wee bro goes MENTAL as the PLAN was to phone him when I arrived in Hamilton. So there was a plan. Wee bro comes to pick us up as mum phones him about 4 TIMES from shop, I say we'll get a taxi, as for the sake of £4 I'd rather not have a family fued kicking off. "No No NO NO, HE'LL pick us up". Wee bro does pick us up and goes MENTAL again, cue his screaming with rage at my mum the entire way home. I decide now is not a good time to ask him for a run to the bus station so say nothing and get dropped off at mums, play mediator and fuck off home. THEN I get a phone call from mum, crying about how she loves me, and she's sorry. Then I get a phone call from bro saying mums pissed (so much for being off the booze) and that she's locked herself in her room with the cry of "I'm sorry but I'll no be sorry for long", mum phones me again crying and pissed, wee bro phones me again still going mental.

Wonderful. Happy New Year. Seems the status quo has been returned and the relatively calm year that was 2008 -family mental health wise - has fucked off never to return.

Add to that my new doctors refusing to renew my Metformin script, wee sis is up to her old tricks again I think, works sucking, and I still have to try and get my uni end of year assessment and oral exams sorted, you begin to see why 2 days into the year I'm wishing I could run away.