This is the last entry on this blog

There's no point continuing on with it really.

It would appear that the last comments from anyone are from people who I talk to irl, so the time has come to make the cut. I don't have time to keep updating, what seems to be, a public monologue with little feedback.

I'm not being stroppy or huffy, just telling it like it is.

Those of you who want to stay in touch, phone me or email me.

Those of you who don't, then its been a pleasure keeping in touch with you all for the time that we did. I hope that we still remain on good terms.

So, if you see me, stop me and ask me how its going, and until then....

Ciao Baby!

Same shit, different arsehole

I am on placement.

I don't like it. Yet. I say yet as I hope it will change and I'll settle in and be fine, but I doubt it. I've made two stupid stupid mistakes this week. I hang my head in shame. Nothing serious, nothing problematic just things that make me look stupid and inexperienced.

So aye - Just pish.

The Life of Brian

Recently, me and the lassies from uni were kicking about. We spotted a new tarot/mystic centre opened. So having picked up £20 we toddle off to get a reading. I go first. You ready?

So the guy starts laying out the cards, and thus begins the charade of "mystic". Reading was in several parts. I made notes. I'm that anal.

So after telling me, random Barnum shit for about a hour in come the "spirits"

A male, grandfather like or fatherly. He's shy and reserved, happiest pottering away in the house and garden. He passed in hospital, not at home like he wanted and it was to do with chest issues, possibly a "heavy" chest like pneumonia. He hears wheezing. Its a "B" name? Bob, Bobby, nope. Brian. Brian is definitely the name thats given to him. Can I take a Brian? Can I take a message to a Brian that this man is fine?

No.

However Brian haunts me. Any previous "readings" I've went to this feckin' Brian pops up. I don't know a Brian. I know of one Brian vaguely but not even in a friend way. So ghost Brian's frickin' stalking me. Last reading was that I would come to know of a Brian. Still waiting...

I say "Sorry I don't know a Brian".

Closely followed by "No. I have no knowledge of a dead aunt who treated me like a daughter with red hair and the name Kirsty is connected"

These denials? They mean I am....

PSYCHIC.

I should totally go for training as my "gift" means that I am receiving messages for other people. I have a great powerful gift, that could help, and heal, many people, as I am a green psychic meaning I HEAL. I HELP.

However in addition to this he also told me I was single, would be self-employed whilst rising to the top of my chosen profession, but that I'm skint. That I need to drop my "barriers" and connect with other people and to "follow the breadcrumbs" and realise peole are like, there for me, y'know?

I must say it cheered me up. I've not laughed so much since a kinesiologist told me I was suffering from X-factor of '95, my base chakra was red and I should hug a tree to reconnect with the earth.

I'm drowning

Drowning.

Circling the depressed drain. I've been trying to cling onto the sides for as long as possible, but I feel like I'm in a hole, and I'm never getting out. Like people are so far above me they can't see me.

Which is fine. I'm kinda withdrawing from everyone anyway. I don't want to see anyone, do anything, talk to anyone, finish anything, start anything.

I'll act it out anyway but I feel like my mask is slipping. I feel people can see me, the inner me. I feel like a bad person, an incomplete and lesser person. Like a faded carbon copy of what a normal person is.

I feel like I'm fading away, but I'm still right here.

I'm still here.

Well, that went well...

So my mum phones me today "I'm outside Pauls work can you phone him and tell him to come down and I'll give you that money I owe you?"

"Mum, Paul changed offices remember?"

"Oh. Aye. I'm so stupid." starts crying "I'll just go"

"No mum, come up see me, we'll go for lunch"

"No. No. Just leave me. You'll be tired"

"Mum dont make me drive and fucking come get you, get your arse up here, I could do with the company. 10 o'clocks a lie in for me"

And so begins my mothers descent into mental illness again. You remember? The one where she either spends months depressed or rapid cycling?

I think we're heading for depressed, judging by the way she was talking and the fact that she was considering "doing what I usually do", meaning she's considering suicide/self harm again.

Good times. Not.

I love it when a plan comes together...

So have my four patients picked for my oral for my acute placement.

I have a rough idea of what to do for my research proposal. I am literally shitting it about this. I have major IBS just out of sheer stress.

I also now have a new phone number so mail me if you want my new number and I'll mail you back. I lost my old phone. Gash.

Navel Gazing part 2

I've always wondered how people see me. I wonder if they see through me, I'm not a particularly adept liar, I wear my heart on my sleeve. I have some secrets, and some things so painful that I carry them around with me like a wee sealed compartment. These deep things I don't tell people because I don't know if its the wording, I don't know if its the person I'm telling, I don't know if they find it so hard to comprehend or if they think I'm lying but they don't seem to understand what I'm telling them., but I don't know if these "deep" things show in some way.

So on placement I work very hard to recognise this. I try to keep on my "game face". I try and smile more. I try to exercise my better aspects of myself.

I try to cling to the fact that someone in another life said "we will remember t'kept wifey for her kindness". I try to hold on to that, so that in the face of it all, I remember everything I do is from kindness. In my nursing interview I said I wanted to help people. I get a sense of pride when I've helped people get better.

But that at times is overshadowed by the fact I worry people see me as pedantic (I know I can be a pain in the arse), crabbit, fat and socially awkward.

I usually try and overcome the social awkwardness by being a comedic clown of sorts, but obviously in a hospital environment thats not always appropriate. Certainly not on this placement having already been reprimanded for "unprofessional conduct".

And also something happened on placement that I'm not sure how it sits with me. At the moment its not sitting comfortably, so I'm mulling it over and might actually do a reflective piece on it to try and get to grips with it.

I know I did a bit of navel gazing last year too. Must just be a seasonal thing with me. For some reason at the moment I'm not sitting comfortably in my own skin at the moment, I feel tight, constrained, I would go as far as to say trapped by myself. I'm assuming its stress because its never rankled that way before.

This may have been a totally pointless entry.

Osce results and general updates

Well I passed my practical with 95%. 5% of fail right there.

No seriously I am quite pleased with that just waiting on one more coming back.

I am so tired this week, driving home the road was swaying and bowing when I was looking at it. One more day to go though.

Then I wont have to worry about driving home, as the RAH no longer will provide parking facilities for me, due to shitty parking rules.

I have one week to go on this placement and then we are back in uni for 4 weeks, during which time I have to start, research and complete a 4000 word research proposal and literature review. Its due in the week after annual leave finishes, which means yet again, I'm spending my summer holiday WORKING. I am not impressed at this.

I have struggled at times with this placement, its hard going, I find it hard to switch off when its home time. I think about my patients, I worry about my patients, and I feel sad when they die, although I would be lying if I said that at some point I don't feel a sense of relief for some of them. I find it hard to remain cheerful at times. I hear "admitted with exacerbation of COPD. End stage" and "malignancy suspected" quickly turning into "malignancy confirmed, patient unaware, telling tomorrow" and patients then asking "how my doing?" and having to lie to an extent, or rather edit the truth "You're doing well today" and trying to buffer it with small achievable targets that they can reach "You're doing well today. How would you feel about trying some food/physio/sitting up". Its not lying, it just feels like it is.

I dream about my patients. I worry about what I've missed, or ran out of time to do. I weep over broken promises, to the extent I've modified how I speak. I no longer say "two minutes" as it never is. It's now "I'll be back as soon as I can".

I worry that I haven't made enough of a difference to their care, made their transition easier or that in some way I've failed to alleviate their suffering.

I stress that I don't know enough. I care deeply. I just don't know if thats enough.

I think I'm reaching the stage of the course where some get burnout and some get tough. I don't know on which side I want to fall on.

Exam fever

Well, that's my exams not finished for the next few months.

Big written one and my OSCE (Observed Structured Clinical Examination) were done yesterday and today. I'm exhausted, my brains fried.

I'm not sure how I've done. The written one I thin I did well in one question, but possibly not the second question.

The OSCE, I'm not sure about either, missed some basic stuff just due to pure nerves.

HAW! AH'M ON THE NIGHTSHIFT

And crabbit. Its so hard trying to sleep in the daytime. Other people have lives n that, but do they have to be so fucking noisy about it.

And I hate the weans that are playing outside in the binsheds. It irks me irrationally (this could be the tiredness and stress talking), and theres a PARK, with swings and everything doen the road.

Aside from the fact it makes me feel like I'm living in some Third World country, where theres a complete lack of any sort of sanitation (the bin gremlins not the park), the wee buggers scream. A boy kicks a ball the girls scream. Oh look theres a bee, the girls scream. One girl screams, another one does just for shits and giggles.

I long for tranquiliser darts. "SCREEEEEEEAM" *Thwack* Sleep.

They should be part of your uniform allowance "Heres 5 tunics, 5 trousers,oh and your nighshift allowance of tranquiliser darts"

I will, in absentia, accept gags for them. And valium for me.

200th Post. Oh the excitement.

Well not been up to much of late to be honest.

Placement going okay - settled into it now. In to the swing as it were. Still finding the palliation side hard although its getting ..."easier" isn't the right word, but I would say I'm certainly feeling more comfortable with it.

Roller derby - been picked to play for the team in May. Some shenanigans ongoing with that, but I'm trying.

Weight: Out of control. Can't do Cambridge due to medical issues the past wee while, and until I'm signed off that's out the window, also don't want to do it before tournament at end of May.

Everything else: Quite worried about Paul and his work. Long story.

Been busy, Also been doing a lot of thinking.

So now back on placement. Its been only a week, and on my second day (Tuesday) I stopped a patient from dying. I stopped her from going into a respiratory arrest. I gave her a chance to say goodbye to her family and for her daughetr to hold her hand and be with her mum. I spent most of Wednesday reading about expected death and unexpected death, how to cope as a nurse and how to talk to families.

The woman in question is dying. She has decided that she does not want any more interventions to assist her with breathing. Yesterday I arrived on ward and she was still alive. I was happy at this. I told the woman I was glad to see her looking up and well, she smiled at me, told me that I was an angel for helping her on Tuesday as she got to wait for her daughter. Then she calmly told me she wants to die. We had a talk about death and dying. She's going home this week to die. Possibly. She might be readmitted to my ward.

This is whats prompted my thinking. Am I a good person? The psychoanalysis ran away a wee bit here and I ended up going "down the rabbit hole" as it were but at the root of it all I wondered am I a good person? Do I always do the right thing, or do I do the thing that makes me feel comforted in the face of another persons fear of death and pain? Do I absorb or react to thier fear?

A lot of this is to do with the way that this woman deteriorated on Tuesday and the way I "saved" her (I still feel stupid typing that), but I wonder if its linked to me trying to validate myself. Did I save her because I could, did I help her because it was the right thing to do as a person, as a nurse, or, did I do it to help myself?

This might not make a lot of sense, I might go back and edit it later and expand on some points, but I'm preparing for a 4 hour drive today and the old brain is a wee bit fuzzy, I'm also teasing out the salient points and trying to wrestle with emotional ones.

Later.

Also - just as a small note - see when a friends family member dies, could someone tell me? Cheers. It would be nice to know.

Back from that London

Never. Again.

So RUDE. Like I appreciate people might bang into you , but Jesus, even a quick mumbled sorry would be better than fuck all.

No-one could understand husband.

And we went to Covent Garden Market. Market?!? Back in my day a market meant you could get things cheap... Not £175 for a bathrobe. £175! And no haggling either? Disappointed.

Got my next placement - going to the lung ward which is cool. I'm down with that.

Happy St Patricks Day!

I made cake! Its a Chocolate Guinness cake. Guinness does not taste like I expected - I expected something more malty, like malt extract but alcoholic. Turns out its like bitter heavy. I might have a pint next time I'm out with all that iron and B vitamins.

Hallo! RANT.

Well almost 2 weeks on since last entry and I can't say I'm feeling much better to be honest. Went to doctor, but that's a story for another time.

Beginning to really distrust the medical profession. See if I say something is wrong, its wrong. The best judge of a patients health is usually the patient. They know themselves if they "don't feel right" and I know similarly when I "don't feel right". What I don't need is some chit of a doctor the same age as me telling me one thing and then writing another in my notes. Oh yes. I saw them. Another step for a hint by the way, see when you are writing in my notes try not to heavily mock me by "" around what I'm saying.

So in the past two weeks the nausea has resolved slightly, but not much, still boaky more often than not. Spewed my ring at derby today (after half a hour scant skating) came home roasting and sweating. Slept for 2 hours. The tiredness, oh Jesus what I would give for the tiredness just to go. Its exhausting and its even more exhausting dragging my arse about all day trying to pretend I'm not tried. People telling me "you look knackered/like cold shit" is NOT HELPFUL.

So no, I still don't "feel right in myself". I'm boaky, achy in my knees and fingers, tired (so very tired), crabbit and teary (tired), chronic heartburn and having periods of intermittent confusion and memory loss. So thank you very much inverted commas doctor, I know I'm not right.

Aside from that I'm really losing the plot, time is running away from me and exams are in a scant two months, I feel like there's just not enough time. My brains mush, I'm not retaining anything apart from USELESS physiological information about disease processes that although interesting to know don't help with the nursing stuff. They probably do help in the long term, seeing the bigger picture kinda thing but its hard to rationalise that into nursing care quickly and under pressure.

I also failed my derby speed trial by 5 seconds and am bitterly disappointed in myself. Don't know why they bother inviting me to training I feel like a pure waste of resources.

Anyhow, hopefully all tests will come back pin pointing something wrong thats fixable and I'be be back to being a chipper happy camper. Ha ha.

Ye gads - nurses do not make the best patients

I'm rarely sick. Oh I know I have the odd moan about IBS, or migraines but I think I'm sick.

Problem is its nothing noticable. I think I'm now sinking into a general malaise.

I just feel minging.

Sick after every meal, sometimes a wee bit, more often than not a over riding nausea. I'm exhausted. I wake up in the morning stiff, aching and having real trouble moving initially.

Today I've had 1 square of milk chocolate - sick, and 2 meatballs and 2 table spoons of beans - nausea and heartburn. And now 3 Rennies. Nope 4 now as I'm writing this.

I've not even managed to get my coffee yet as that leads to vomiting.

HELP ME INTERNET! So far all its telling me is I'm pregnant (which is not only highly unlikely but impossible), so I'm not pregnant, I just feel like crap.

I so do not need this when I'm trying (unsuccessfully) to study. I even missed derby yesterday and uni due to feeling like mince. Fucksticks.

Today is not going well

I just threw a coffee at husband.

After I kicked bathroom fittings

and told him "I'm sick of you, get out of my sight"

12 weeks of effort for fuck all.

Updates ahoy

Well not updated here for ages but here goes:

1. Picked my management speciality for 3rd year, I took medical, that means for 13 weeks I'll be on a medical ward almost running on my own. Not the ward obviously, just me and my patients. Scary stuff.

2. Derby going well, sat an additional part of my minimums last night and now I get to skate with the big team twice a week, Wednesday AND a Sunday. For just now anyway. If y performance starts to falter I'm out!

3. Got new skates. And two new sets of wheels, and bearings, and toe guards. I am so in love with this skating its unreal. Looking forward to a bit drier weather and then I'll be skating outside too. Love the practice and can't wait til I'm officially "in" the team. Hopefully.

4. Weight loss going better. Have lost a stone in the past two weeks so thats sailing along nicely. Still got a good whack to go. Proving challenging to balance derby with a reduced calorie intake but I'll see how I go, as I go. Like I say challenging but not impossible at the moment.

5. Going to London for a big game in March. Very excited about this. Was thinking about the bootcamp they have there but dont think I'll have passed all my minimums by that point, and its also quite expensive. So I'll stick with the great girls at GRG and their training.

Thats it for now....

So. Looking for new wall art?

A friend of mines has recently taken his photography hobby up as a business. Now I know that I probably have vested personal interest in this as like to see my friends doing well and that, but, his work is actually really rather good.

Prints are available framed or unframed, and prices are quite reasonable. So have a wee gander at his website, and keep it in mind if you are looking for any wall prints for your house, or know anyone who is and steer them in his direction.

www.amateur-artz.com

Pie! Critical mass!

POst Christmas, new year and birthday weigh in: 14st 13.5 lbs

Oh I cried.

Back on the diet train today - will keep you all updated. Also am going to OverEaters Anonymous meetings now (don't laugh) as I have a serious problem with food. I have issues I need to address and tackle on a psyche level.

I feel ashamed.

Movin' on up!

I passed my roller derby exams!

This means one more tuesday at rookie practice and then I move up to a wednesday.

There are areas I still need to work on, but by fuck I passed!

I don't feel any different to a few days ago in my skating technique, but I do feel proud of myself.

I was more nervous about my skating exam yesterday than the liver presentation we did for class.

We bought a new car!

DO NOT TELL MY MOTHER IN LAW YET. REPEAT. DO NOT TELL MY MOTHER IN LAW YET.

We bought: A BMW 3 series. Its huge.

And I've booked plane tickets and a hotel to that LONDON! Going to watch my derby team play against a london team, as well as a bout with the Texas Rollergirls. Only the ORIGINAL revival team circa 2002.

I have the excited.

My boots were wrong.

Vet's pessism was misplaced. Dog doesn't have cancer. Bleeding mole was benign.

Dog now owes me £209.

I'm fed up with you all

You never phone, you never write.

Start communicatin' people 'cause I feel like I am talking to myself.

If you don't I'll go on strike.

I mean it!

So. Running.

Well along with the New Year and my roller derby (which I honest to god love) I've decided to start running.

This is for a lot of reasons.

1. I used to run many years ago and I missed it. Its hard to describe the high that you get from running, its different from any other form of exercise. I've never had a step class high, or a cross trainer high. A sense of accomplishment sure, but it wasn't the same.

2. I need to get my stamina up for derby bouts.

3. I don't need to rely on anyone else to run. MP3 player in and away I go.

4. I'm horrendously overweight again.

So bearing all that in mind I've started the couch to 5k running plan. It aims to have you running 5K nonstop, in 9 weeks. Or in simpler, scarier terms in 27 sessions. So far I'm, 2/27 down.

Day 1 was really hard going, Day 2 hard but easier than day 1 and I'm already itching to get out there again for day 3, but you need to have a rest day in between.

Have to say I'm loving it. My thighs are a bit sore, but so far the old knees are holding up and not suffering too much under the weight of me pounding them on pavement.

The stage of training I'm at just now is;

• 5 minute warm up
• 60 seconds running
• 90 seconds brisk walking
• repeat for 20 minutes
• 5 minutes cool down

I'll keep you updated as to how I'm going. What about you guys? Any new things for the New Year?

Ah 2010, let the soul crushing shit begin

I had high hopes for 2010. I really did. I've started a new hobby, I've even started running to increase my general fitness and stamina. Worrying about weight later.

Studies are looking good and I was actually feeling rather optimistic.

Until my dog got a mole.
The mole was fine
The mole started bleeding.

Take her to the vets. Vet is not optimistic. I am not optimistic. I'm hoping in a perverse way the vet knows the dog has full insurance and is taking me for an insurance scam ride in which she orders lots of tests and tells me the dog is fine after a hefty bill.

I know in my boots the dog has cancer. Bleeding mole plus a lump on her shoulder. The biopsy of the mole should tell us if its the same cells as on the face, if the cells that are found in her face/mole and not face cells, but say womb cells that tells us that the dog had womb cancer but the cancer is now in her system and is spreading beyond control.

My dog is the one constant in my life, no matter how shit everything gets, stupid face is there to greet me when I get home demaning walks, dinner and petting. She sleeps with me at night, at some point ninjaing up on the bed in the early hours of the morning. Dribbling on my feet when I eat dinner, and depending how close she gets, sometimes dribbling in my dinner.

She's stupid. I've never met a dog so stupid. She's greedy and she farts like somethings died up there. But she's constant.

I know she's just a dog. I can always get another dog. Dogs are replaceable. I know all this but I'm still upset.

So 2010 is - in addition to all the family drama shit that kicked off early January - looking to be yet another year in the grand old blueprint of "shit that goes wrong"

Final Countdown

And thats the end of second year. I am now in my third year.

In 3 placements I will be qualified.

This year I have:

A written exam
A literature review and proposal
Presentation of 12 patients with in depth questioning about them
and a parctical management of a patient in the uni labs.

Plus placement stuff, but aye. Nearly there. Scary stuff.

Post migraine, battered, bruised and melancholy

Busted knee, swollen and cut open. Sore left arse cheek, tender right hip. Bruised tail bone. Skint hands. Muscles hurt and I'm post migraine so feeling decidedly... foggy... Oh World! Why do you attack me so?

Louis MacNeice - Prayer before Birth

I am not yet born; O hear me.
Let not the bloodsucking bat or the rat or the stoat or the
    club-footed ghoul come near me.

I am not yet born, console me.
I fear that the human race may with tall walls wall me,
    with strong drugs dope me, with wise lies lure me,
       on black racks rack me, in blood-baths roll me.

I am not yet born; provide me
With water to dandle me, grass to grow for me, trees to talk
    to me, sky to sing to me, birds and a white light
       in the back of my mind to guide me.

I am not yet born; forgive me
For the sins that in me the world shall commit, my words
    when they speak me, my thoughts when they think me,
       my treason engendered by traitors beyond me,
          my life when they murder by means of my
             hands, my death when they live me.

I am not yet born; rehearse me
In the parts I must play and the cues I must take when
    old men lecture me, bureaucrats hector me, mountains
       frown at me, lovers laugh at me, the white
           waves call me to folly and the desert calls
             me to doom and the beggar refuses
                my gift and my children curse me.

I am not yet born; O hear me,
Let not the man who is beast or who thinks he is God
    come near me.

I am not yet born; O fill me
With strength against those who would freeze my
    humanity, would dragoon me into a lethal automaton,
       would make me a cog in a machine, a thing with
          one face, a thing, and against all those
             who would dissipate my entirety, would
                blow me like thistledown hither and
                   thither or hither and thither
                      like water held in the
                         hands would spill me.

Let them not make me a stone and let them not spill me.
Otherwise kill me.

So far

Weight: Out of control weighing in at a hefty 14st 3lbs. I knew it would be bad after Christmas, but Christ! Didn't want to face Cambridge again but I might have to.

This week: Been out for dinner a few times which is not helping the old waistline.

Also tried Belly dancing, Bollywood dancing and Burlesque. All the B's.

I did okay at Bollywood, then burleque but sucked at the bellydancing. Felt horribly self conscious due to weight and general stiffness. Felt really awkward. Feel much more at home in derby. Roll on Tuesday.

Other than that not much to report really.

2009 - the shortlist

I've been mulling over things recently and wondered if, in addition to looking towards the New Year, it would be an idea to take stock of the past year 2009 and see how its treated me.

This year has been, I feel, overall positive.

Yes, alright some aspects of my life haven't panned out exactly as planned. My personal life has been subject to some more bumps than would have been strictly desirable, with my husband and I discovering that "for better or worse" is a very trying time.

All the weight I lost, I regained. Mostly because I'm a pie of highest magnitude.

My family at times have made me want to run away and join the circus.

And recently its been suggested that due to childhood experiences I may want to visit a counsellor. This is not in my nature. I detest misery memoirs and I have no desire to start verbalising one of my own. Much as I'm an in-your-face kinda person, prone to TMI with most aspects of my life including things other people would rather die than admit, I have no desire to explore all the dark twisty corners of my pschye. Some of those dark twisty things are what drive me, in a sense running away from certain things and towards others. In a very real sense they serve as a carrot/stick combination for someone who at times, is very much an ass. They are private and they are mine.

But I'm trying to be more upbeat. So in examining this year I'm looking at the positives.

I can drive!

I've passed all my exams and hitting 3rd year with a clean slate. This amazed me, I quite frankly didn't think I had it in me.

I passed all my placements. Well. This also astounded me, as I thought at one point, particulrly the end of 1st year that I had made a huge mistake and was questioning "what the actual fuck am I doing here?".

I've built a good group of friends at uni.

I've started a sport that I really like. I have a new interest, expanding my social circle again.

I feel that I understand me more. I feel... older. Apart from finding the odd grey eyebrow and lady garden weed, I feel -at times- more at ease with myself. I'm not saying its all the time, but its more often than not. That for me is a good thing. This is progress.

So 2009, it is with a grateful embrace I send you away to keep all my other previous years company. You have overall been kind to me, and not sent me more than I can bear. You have at times caused me concern but you have taught me a lot in that time.

2010. I welcome you with open arms and hope that you are a great year, which enables me to achieve the high targets necessary this year to help me qualify. I look forward to expanding my knowledge and confidence whilst hopefully decreasing my waistline. I look forward to embracing more of life and worrying less about what I cannot change and focusing more on what I can.

Thank you for reading.