Navel Gazing part 2

I've always wondered how people see me. I wonder if they see through me, I'm not a particularly adept liar, I wear my heart on my sleeve. I have some secrets, and some things so painful that I carry them around with me like a wee sealed compartment. These deep things I don't tell people because I don't know if its the wording, I don't know if its the person I'm telling, I don't know if they find it so hard to comprehend or if they think I'm lying but they don't seem to understand what I'm telling them., but I don't know if these "deep" things show in some way.

So on placement I work very hard to recognise this. I try to keep on my "game face". I try and smile more. I try to exercise my better aspects of myself.

I try to cling to the fact that someone in another life said "we will remember t'kept wifey for her kindness". I try to hold on to that, so that in the face of it all, I remember everything I do is from kindness. In my nursing interview I said I wanted to help people. I get a sense of pride when I've helped people get better.

But that at times is overshadowed by the fact I worry people see me as pedantic (I know I can be a pain in the arse), crabbit, fat and socially awkward.

I usually try and overcome the social awkwardness by being a comedic clown of sorts, but obviously in a hospital environment thats not always appropriate. Certainly not on this placement having already been reprimanded for "unprofessional conduct".

And also something happened on placement that I'm not sure how it sits with me. At the moment its not sitting comfortably, so I'm mulling it over and might actually do a reflective piece on it to try and get to grips with it.

I know I did a bit of navel gazing last year too. Must just be a seasonal thing with me. For some reason at the moment I'm not sitting comfortably in my own skin at the moment, I feel tight, constrained, I would go as far as to say trapped by myself. I'm assuming its stress because its never rankled that way before.

This may have been a totally pointless entry.