Osce results and general updates

Well I passed my practical with 95%. 5% of fail right there.

No seriously I am quite pleased with that just waiting on one more coming back.

I am so tired this week, driving home the road was swaying and bowing when I was looking at it. One more day to go though.

Then I wont have to worry about driving home, as the RAH no longer will provide parking facilities for me, due to shitty parking rules.

I have one week to go on this placement and then we are back in uni for 4 weeks, during which time I have to start, research and complete a 4000 word research proposal and literature review. Its due in the week after annual leave finishes, which means yet again, I'm spending my summer holiday WORKING. I am not impressed at this.

I have struggled at times with this placement, its hard going, I find it hard to switch off when its home time. I think about my patients, I worry about my patients, and I feel sad when they die, although I would be lying if I said that at some point I don't feel a sense of relief for some of them. I find it hard to remain cheerful at times. I hear "admitted with exacerbation of COPD. End stage" and "malignancy suspected" quickly turning into "malignancy confirmed, patient unaware, telling tomorrow" and patients then asking "how my doing?" and having to lie to an extent, or rather edit the truth "You're doing well today" and trying to buffer it with small achievable targets that they can reach "You're doing well today. How would you feel about trying some food/physio/sitting up". Its not lying, it just feels like it is.

I dream about my patients. I worry about what I've missed, or ran out of time to do. I weep over broken promises, to the extent I've modified how I speak. I no longer say "two minutes" as it never is. It's now "I'll be back as soon as I can".

I worry that I haven't made enough of a difference to their care, made their transition easier or that in some way I've failed to alleviate their suffering.

I stress that I don't know enough. I care deeply. I just don't know if thats enough.

I think I'm reaching the stage of the course where some get burnout and some get tough. I don't know on which side I want to fall on.