Because I'm young enough to be all pissed off
But I'm old enough to be jaded
I'm at the age where I want things to change
But with age my hopes have faded
I'm young and bored of being young and bored
If I was old I could say I've seen it all before
In short; I'm tired of giving a shit

I wish I had a time machine

I would change so many things. Most of all I would change myself.

Sometimes I feel so invisible I get lonely.
Other times I wish I could disappear completely.

I feel my entire life is a lie based on how I think people want or expect me to react, I feel I don't know who I am anymore. I don't know where I'm going or even if theres any real point to it. To any of it.

Midlife crisis or just general crapness? Who knows. I am but one person lost in my own misery, amongst the misery of everyone else.

Its official. I'm just crap

I think I'm being stalked by a black dog.

Some of you will get this. Some not and will think I'm being mental.

Wake up
Go to placement
Home to sleep
Wake up, have dinner
Watch TV
Back to sleep.

Is pretty much the pattern. Looking forward to placement finishing the end of this week so I can sleep some more.

Oh aye and in a road rage incident today managed to flip the finger to a car that was right up my jacksey. Arrive at hospital to find out the car belongs to the ward sister.

So tired most of the time. Sleepy McSleepson here.

So tired most of the time. Sleepy McSleepson here.

I used to believe that I could change the world. I used to believe that one person at a time I could make a difference, that life was a process of trying to enable people to find their inner good, embrace it and change.

Now I'm not so sure. Now I think life is a barely manageable series of disappointments and defeats in the words of Frank Turner, and you can only do your best.

I am an idealogical coward and simply too tired to fight the good fight anymore. Gone are my revolutionary days of protest, demonstrations, petitions and letter writing, of challenging the perceived wrongs and indifferences that motivated me to fight.

These days I embrace apathy and the greyness of it all.

Monochrome delirium. Keep your rainbows and your sunshine, the world is really just varying shades of grey.

Oh plus I'm losing hair by the metric fuckload. Distinct temple balding, actually fucking balding and frontal thinning. I suck.

Oooft. Where did THAT come from?

All over the place this past few weeks. Think I'm stressed, in fact I know I'm stressed. Mostly though I am majorly broody. Its horrible. I've never been broody like this. Well occasionally I have its like a cursory fleeting thing, lasting like a day or so, but this has been going on for weeks. WEEKS!

I keep looking at other peoples babies and thinking "Mine would be nicer. And better behaved" shortly followed by "If I fell pregnant just now I could have a wee Feb/March baby. That would fit in alright with uni" then followed by feelings of raging bitterness at people who have babies/are pregnant who I have given a cursory glance over and decided as undeserving. I mean whats that about? How do I know who is deserving and who's not? I also find quite a lot of other peoples babies ugly. Sorry but there's a lot of no-braw weans out there. I'm a raging walking bag of hormones.

In other more mundane news, washing machine is broken. Woke up this morning to find it BOILING my uniforms. Steam gushing out of the drawer where the soap powder goes, and when I tried to open the drawer I got a steam burn and the front fell off. Its was so hot its deformed all the plastic bits of the machine and the wee Ariel ball has boiled that much its shrunk. It was that hot. Phone call on Indesit on Monday and if the parts can't be fixed then its looking like a new machine.

Husband is facing redundancy, and currently job hunting in earnest so could really do without shelling out £300 for a new machine. Hes thinking about a haircut. I don't know how I feel about this although it might make sexytime less annoying (long sory for another time)

Exposed to live swine flu this week (I think) due to a breakdown in communication. Might have to abandon placement due to lack of a mentor due to shift changes on thier end. Pain in the arse. Seriously. Means I have to carry forward 187.5 hours of placement time which I'll have to complete in November.

I'm going to kill Husband if he doesn't stop banging THOSE FUCKING DRUMS.

Today I am cooking roast chicken. Inabag. With roast potatoes. After eating a whole bag of cookies and a packet of Gu mousses.

Like I say raging bag of hormones. Need to get back on the diet tomorrow and get into a size 12 once and for all. Then I stop, might need to go on the husbands redundancy diet which is basically scruvy tempting beans on toast for months...