I've been awake since 4:10am

Having trouble sleeping, very unlike me.

Been awake most of the past few nights actually, wondering where the year has gone, wondering if this is all worth it, wondering about paperwork sign offs, exams, orals, employment, interviews, a bigger house, the dog, my marriage, my weight, my age, my life, Campbeltown, my perceived lack of connection with people, lack of green space, recession, culture, gardens, family, feeling like a tit most of the time, identity, money, more paperwork, more signing off, end of year interviews, grading, assisgnments, dressings, patient interactions and the meaning of life.

My mind is constantly racing and I can't seem to relax. I've tried but the fact that I'm writing this at 5:50 in the morning should be testatment that I'm not finding relaxing that easy. I look like shit, my skins broken out on acne and I have big blue circles under my eyes. Not that I'm breaking any hearts normally mind.

I just wonder now is any of this worth it? And I don't just mean the course, I mean the whole shebang. Just feel removed from anything meaningful at the moment, and I wonder if its worthwhile at all coming back or if I'm just training myself into the routine of my life as it is.

Then I wonder if anyone is really happy with thier lot, or if they too just train themselves into acceptance and call it happiness?