Emotionally drained.

Have a patient in, who reminds me of husband. Same age, similar build, similar features.

There was an event (which I can't really go into in detail due to potential identification) and he went blue. I don't mean ashen, he had to have an emergency intubation and he was so blue he looked like a smurf.

I have never felt so utterly useless or guilty for my inability.

Intensive Care - I needed intensive care. Finished my shift and went to shops to decompress a bit before I went home. I might actually go for a run later I still need to work through whatevers eating at me. Just keep getting flashes of his blue face, struggling and the acute feeling of inadequacy that I felt.

Usually when I get emotionally involved with placements, its that I hate it, or I'm angry, full of the need to change what I see as flaws in the practice or the system. Sometimes people and thier behaviour make me despondent.

This though was so ... frantic. I can't explain it really unless I tell the whole story and even then its hard to verbalise.

Its one of the few occasions where I've been really keen to come home and crack open a bottle of wine, drink to a stupor, sleep and dull the memory of the whole thing.