Miserable. Spotty

No change there then? No in all seriousness try not to cringe when you see me next. Well okay you can cringe but please hold back on the Hammer Horror style dramatics and not to shout "The children! Won't you PLEASE think of the children?!?"

I was at the doctors a few days back, and after moaning at her for a bit, she thinks that I have hormone related mood disorder - she was scuttling around the word depression-(or as we prefer to call it here "bat shit mental turns"). So she's popped me on the mini-pill to see if that will even me out over the next 6 weeks, but if no change then I have to go back and explore the possibility of anti-depressants.

Basically I have super PMS/PMT all the time. Like ALL THE TIME. Really, no breaks/holidays or let ups. So pump me full of more hormones to fix my already broken ones. Its either that or my husband will eventually leave me for someone nicer. Like Stalin or something. Not really noticed much of a change other than bigger boobs (yes, thank you wonderful. I spend months MONTHS dieting to get into a smaller top size and one week of synthetic hormones blows that right out the water) and masses of spots. So many even other people are commenting "Oh. Are you alright?" "Yeah fine why?" "Erm. You're a wee bit spotty just now". Yes I had noticed, I actually caught the Health Visitor doing a double take and a wince today. "Yes I know. I'm very spotty" "O I hadn't noticed" "Liar" "Well okay a bit spotty".

In other news, still swithering about a new house, placement is going well. Babies EVERYWHERE. Wee bit clucky which isn't helping the hormones, especially as all I do all day is help perform baby assessments, part of which involves playing with, holding and inspecting baby to assess them. Got to hold a baby which was 4 weeks old, although had been born 6 weeks early, so really age wise still minus 2 weeks if that makes sense? So tiny. He tried to eat my uniform.

Saturday working away at Celtic park and was threatened with a strip search. The words "Get tae ..." were uttered, vocalised and at one point shouted, as I demanded a female police officer if they want to strip search me. It wasn't my till that was down, you don't go near anyone else's till. Chase it. Then I had to walk into town, in the very heavy rain, and ended up soaked. Tills were fine by the way, works out supervisor can't count. And we were missing 4 pies or something. Where would I hine 4 pies? I ask you?

This week due to monetary constraints I will be mostly eating vegetable curry and beans on toast and homemade soup. Oh the joys of being a student.

Out with the Health Visitor at the moment.

Loving it, although to be honest its a bit overwhelming, a bit depressing and quite frankly scary biscuits.

I....

am lost for words. Words fail me. Why does life/fate/the gods conspire to kick me in the teeth?

At a time of year where I'm already melancholy (for lack of a better word) life takes, a step back, gauges, takes a few more steps back and takes a runny. No point kicking me in the arse if I can't feel it eh?

You can ask, but its not guaranteed that I'll tell you. I think because I'm not ready to face it myself at the moment.

Its all very cryptic eh?

Final review

Final review from my preceptor (mentor, I always think Preceptor sounds like the psychic transformer)is that I will make a wonderful nurse, she's been impressed with my work whilst I was there, that I'm always eager to get mucked in and do my very best etc etc and that she only wishes I could get paid for my time there, as I've worked harder than most of the staff. My time keeping is wonderful and I could teach a member or two of staff a thing or two.

In short I'm wonderful. Off today but having a quiet at home day before Sunday, where I have to go see my family for a "YAY! GRAN IS 77" birthday dinner, during which I will be constantly reprimanded for being:

1. Too fat (Yer cousins are aw thin)
2. On a diet (Whit dae ye mean ye don't want chips. You've a LOVELY face hen)
3. Childless (Whit age are you? 26? Yer cousin hud FREE weans by that point)
4. Married (Thats awfy auld fashioned, Naebdy gets married these days)
5. Having a husband with long hair (No make him get it cut? Its awfy untidy looking)
6. Never visiting (We never see you)
7. Counteracting with "Well you never visit me either" (Aye hen, but its the travelling. "What from Greenfield?"?)
8. Not drinking (Pregnant? URR YE? Anna! She's NO DRINKING!)

And so it continues. I'm only going for personal mummy support as she dreads going almost as much as I do.

I will never be clean again

Today I spent 2 hours solid, no breaks, dematting a woman's Winehouse style beehive, which was done whilst wearing apron gloves and a hat made from a plastic bag.

The reason. Clock that up to the head lice, pubic lice and fleas she is hoaching with. Brushing her hair made them fall out onto the bed and watch them.. slowly... crawl... across... the bed... towards...me...

After that I get to go an deal with a wee lady with a very bad bowel infection (that could kill her), resulting in the most explosive watery diarrhoea that I have ever seen. Put her on commode. Strip the bed because its covered, "Are you finished?" "Aye hen, I'd like to go back to bed now.." "Fair enough, we'll just get you up and in...."

Its at this point her bowels open spraying me with infective diarrhoea. Wonderful. I then have to continue getting her settled before I have to change into a pair of surgical scrubs as we don't have spare uniforms.

I now have to spend the next week hoping I don't catch either the very infectious virulent bowel infection that kills you, or any of the pets. Almost finished and then I'm away out to the community where I have to ask plastic/cloth babies permission before I massage them.

Pains in the arse

See people who go to the football, and want food. Say they order a pie. Just gonnae order a fucking pie, none of this "Can I have a half price wan?" "No" "Ah ya fuckin' hun. Bet you're a hun eh?"

Aye thats right. Thats why you're no getting a half price pie. Its not because they don't exist, its not because you're a complete nobend. Its because I', an ancient German.

Also. Celtic Park and thier "incentives" If you take over £550, they will give you a dunt in your wages. Your minimum wage wages. A dunt of £10. Whoopide-fucking-doo. I take over £580 clear on Saturday. My till balances. I get an extra £10.

So I make DOUBLE what the other tills do because I work fast. And upgrade. The upgrading sucks by the way. "Pie? Steak pie? Bovril with that? Its freezing out there, its Bovril weather". selling a steakpie instead of a scotch pie gets you an extra £0.20 and a bovril nets an extra £1.60. And for all that I get an extra £10. Can't really complain. No wait I can. And I will.

I think this will go on record as one of the most boring blog posts ever.

Oh and I also learned nursey words this week.

Prepuce - medical term for foreskin
Paraphimosis - where the foreskin gets stuck and the willie all swells up. Very sore. I saw it. Even I winced.
Oopherectomy - This is removal of the ovaries
peylonephritis - Really REALLY painful kidney infection

I'm overweight!!!

"No surprise there" some of you may be thinking. What I mean is that I have now dropped down from an OBESE BMI to simply OVERWEIGHT. This is a joyous day my friends. Now I only have 2.5 stone to go. Yay! Party hats etc etc

To celebrate I ordered some clothing from the ever open shop that is the internet. I have tried to include pictures. Successfully it would seem